Show yourself! The fear of the pain of being recognized

Sometimes you think something so “loud” that you think the other must have heard it long ago. “We need butter” can be just as much a part of it as: “I am happy that I was able to teach my violin student the third position yesterday.” Then the partner goes shopping and comes back without butter. Or the colleague says: “You don't even teach your students how to change position.” One is shocked. “Didn't the other person realize that butter was missing? Does the other person really think so badly about my music lessons? ”We think we've said it all. But that's not the case. We didn't show ourselves clearly enough to the other.

Misunderstandings from not showing

The other reacts mainly to what we show him (even if an unconscious communication is running alongside). If we keep hiding important things about ourselves, then we are constantly misunderstood and misunderstood. We often think we would show ourselves, but the other person just needs clearer signs and words from us in order to understand us properly. 
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There is not only the organic "hearing loss", but also a "hearing loss of understanding". How well we show ourselves and how well the other can understand us depends on both people.

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"Sometimes I do something that I'm very ashamed of: I wear a skirt at home," says the woman.

Words and signs are always necessary

Often we wish the other would understand us wordlessly. Sometimes it works. But often not. Even if we have already said something, the other may not be able to take it in. Perhaps we said it in such a way that it couldn't get across to the other because we were basically still ashamed and said it with the attitude: “I hope you don't really hear it, I hope you don't really take it in. "

“Does the boy like a piece of sausage?” Asks the saleswoman. “I'm a girl,” the girl thinks sadly.

Those who fail to show themselves get angry about the "wrong" answers they receive. But there are many reasons why we cannot or do not want to show ourselves.

It hurts to be recognized. People who were misunderstood and abused by their parents at an early age withdraw. Touching them - be it with words or with hands - hurts them. It's like they're sore. Other people must not come too close to them.

To be recognized is like to be touched. To be discovered is like having someone lift the ceiling high. He sees who we really are. We are ashamed. We are afraid that from now on our inner treasure will be in danger. That the other could grapple with who we really are.

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disillusionment

If we “really” show ourselves, then we also “really” get to know each other. By showing we let ourselves be questioned. Maybe we are completely different from what we thought? We could fall from above inside, we could become disillusioned and shaken in our identity. That scares you. Our “narcissistic elations”, which are similar to the feeling of play as a child, could be stabbed like a balloon. This is another reason why we are often reluctant to show who we “really” are.

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How can we make ourselves understood? This question torments many. However, the following questions are important here: Were we allowed to develop in peace? Were we allowed to discover ourselves protected? Were we allowed to try our hand at the game? If not, then we have to work all this out ourselves first.

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The more we hide and are not recognized, the more we have to provoke the other. Not being recognized is a real "provocation engine". It is actually the search for satisfaction in communication, for being understood. But because it doesn't work “in real life”, there is the hope of at least meeting in the excitement about a secondary topic. Probably every provocative secretly hopes to finally be seen and understood.

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Exchange is scary

When we show ourselves, we carry our insides outwards. We can now communicate about it. If someone attacks our mask, it can hurt - but most of all it hurts us because in reality we are completely different and feel misunderstood.

But when someone attacks who we really are, we feel deeply destroyed - that's the idea. But what we “really” are and what is really important to us does not break so easily. The joy in real exchange is greater. For them, it is worth drilling a hole out of the inner shelter and finally letting in daylight.

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